38

Friday, November 06, 2009 at 1:17 PM
Two days ago was my 38th birthday. Until now, it has been painless - fortunately! Last year's was a bit more traumatic experience as I recall it due to the existential ghosts that fly above me all the time. But in this last one, I've felt so far much more resignation of what it is and of how it is. I realize now that even though there are still some missing pieces and some unchangeable others as well, there's no need to worry about them. I feel a bit more tranquil regarding that aspect and acceptance of the facts has become my free floating mantra.

One thing I've noticed though a hint of growing impatience with people. Whenever the opportunity arises, I can throw myself, fangs upfront, to the throat of the unfortunate in turn and leave him until I have satisfied my need for remarking how this or how that that person is (to my eyes, that is). This is nasty, I know and I dislike myself whenever I catch me doing it. I'm working on it, little by little (or at least this is what I say to myself), but at least I'm acknowledging it and that is a first step.

On the other hand, confidence has been strong. I guess the realization of the age has helped me in the realization of myself. I mean, I haven't changed whatsoever in my behaviors nor in my activities nor communication ways. The place where this realization acts within me is in my "been there/done that" bone. Is not that I've become a snob or a know-it-all or any other kind of pompous bastard with attitude, is more of knowing you may have information and experience previously recorded into your hard disk, and letting it work for you as your frame reference and as your opinion builder. Not that it was not happening before, it's just that now you can really mean it. Or I don't know, maybe it's just myself and my 'pink panther/chabelo' personality that has always found its way to show up and twist reality for me.

I've always considered myself as one of the 'good kind' of people, mainly because I would never do something (consciously at least) to harm somebody's feelings. The thing is that this way of avoiding to cause a trauma on someone else have had always a side effect: you can be perceived as fool, and that can really make me 'grind my gears'. One thing is that you're a nice guy and don't mention what's wrong to avoid hurting somebody's feelings, and another one is that you're an idiot who can not see what is wrong.

What I've learned is that truth and sincerity has to be said always, regardless of any feelings damaged. It is just wrong and useless to be polite and nice when what it is needed is the real answer. I mean, this has never been a big issue with standard people, but whenever this event happens with a close dude, you don't want to make him/her feel bad/sad etc. But that is harmful for both parties, you and them, being the most critical oneself of course.

So, this self-realization has been helping me achieve a more real/cut-the-crap kind of person. Or at least I'm trying to. Also, a strong inspiration from fellow friends and international acquaintances: French, Russians, Americans and even Canadians with their openness and laid back attitude are very good at this.

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